Where have you been?

 As though I’ve been hoisted over myself. A silent observer, witnessing the course of one’s life fervently. Not an ounce of minutiae missed. I witness myself. Every first step. Every tear shed in silence. Every heartache. Every brewing joy, awaiting belief. I wait for you. I watch for you. I yearn for you. The way you wished past lovers did. The way you waited for your family to. I watched you…and grew a profound love in the distance. I came to life to experience what loving myself again would feel like. I wished for you so loudly, a god had to present itself to honor the call. I love you because I grew through you. A divine trick, surely. I misspoke. Far from a ploy, but a worthy cause. If I watched this life on a movie screen, unveiling you in every moment, I would relish in seeing you. Rejoice in knowing you. Not in perfection. Not in worldly acclaim. In the earned depth from a soul well traveled behind those peering eyes. What was once vacant is now an elaborate labyrinth of accepted truths. I waited for you. Such truths have landed because I made myself whole to receive them. In my desperation, I denied myself wholeness. In my rejection, I foolishly sought ego to pacify the void. Had I just walked a step closer, I would’ve met a light within myself that would’ve shown the way. I don’t need eyes to see or a mind to know. It is in the silence, you are closest. You are who this soul felt so compelled to experience. My god! The woe that has struck me… I denied you and you emptied a space for my solace anyway. You held me as I reached for another. There you stood, in the shadows where you truly saw what I hid from. I shall spend this minute forever pursuing you. You and I. Within as I am without, a tumultuous solitude where the junction of heaven and hell meet. In the choice, I either dismiss or accept you. May I never disavow such a sacrament. It is in you I owe the totality of my experience. In my dreams, you persist. In my wake, you whisper as the world ravages. I shall never abandon you. I’ve been rooting for you. I’ve risen to awake from my stupor.