Down for the count

Something keeps coming up about me being emotionally guarded. I don’t know what that’s about. Why wouldn't someone want to guard their emotions for a bit? It’s either I’m too trusting or too cold so what the fuck is it? You cannot have both. “Find balance.” As if it’s that easy. It’s safe to say all the right things from those self-help references but they don’t mention what to do when it hurts and you know you’re the only one to shoulder the weight of it all. “You don’t have to go it alone.” I hear my voice replaying this very moment to half of my ex-friends. “I’m here for you, really.” As the support left my lips, the knife in my back couldn't help but twist. Unbalanced relationships. Giving more than I should. Having more than enough love for both of us. 

I. 

Am. 

Tired. 

Tired of meeting people that want to condemn me. Reduce me. Tired of being gaslighted into an additional year of frivolous friendship. Tired of befriending people that hated me from the start. I always will find out about the things you do when I’m not around. I will always hear the vile mentions you made about me. I will always feel the guilt of the things you do before you get the chance. 

So when I say nothing at all…

When I disappear from your life without trace… 

Know that you never count someone like me out. 

Know that I shed light on a reflection of you that should come out and play. 

No need to cower now. Truth catches up to us much sooner than our shadows. So please, keep your unsent messages and tardy, watered-down apologies. I think carrying any more baggage from you would be an eyesore. When I say I'm tired, for Christ's sake, I am.