heart of (u)

 I was looking for you

In everyone else

Only to find an ugly world, removed from itself

Looks like the world and I weren't too far off in that regard.

Did you hear the things I used to tell myself?

You'd whince. 

As though my breath didn't account for a gust of wind whispering through a tree's tendrils

You should hear the things they didn't say in front of me

As though I didn't come from a sacred womb, but a swap of damnation

I was looking

Did the suffering mean nothing

The cruelty of distancing oneself from their sanctity for the sake of assimilation

As if being like everyone else were worthwhile

Like it was worth something

How could I ask a realm to love me as it seeks to destroy itself?

Why do I do the same?

A pity

I've watched myself die a multitude of times

When I silenced myself to bear the discomfort

My throat wrenched into a knot, yet I had air to breathe

Shallow, pitiful breaths for a coward

Yet a breath taken all the same

I take precious life force with every involuntary heartbeat, yet fear knows me

Even then, I counted for something

I matter for something to someone, somehow

It knows no logic

If all I'm living for is to save me, that would be enough

Though I've come to the conclusion that in these petite morts, my life doesn't just belong to me

It belongs to those whose hearts I land in

I don't get to choose who I help, who I save, who I lose, nor do I get to know the why

In a world that seeks to forget itself, I don't get to know why

I wonder if, in that knowing, it would deny the grace of the exchange

You don't get to save me, unless it's my hand that reaches out

You don't get to find me if I have yet to discover myself

You don't get to love me until I find...

I had it

But I seek to find it and when I do, I'll seek you too