LoveletteR

 Hello, again old friend:

I am making a promise to you. This is a big commitment for me so please take me in with all the dramatics. I've come across few lovers and they've been unremarkable. In no way do I mean to be dismissive of them. They are a footnote in some of my written works. They are also a reminder of a space I wish to never occupy again. A part of a realm that left me desolate, empty, and with a malaise that I still can't quite put my finger on. The human form is a wonder that I still have yet to understand. I dissociated from all that I physically was. To the point, I became a caricature of myself. After a certain amount of missteps, you have to look down. No longer could I blame the fire for the burning flesh when I was pouring the gasoline. Transformation was imminent. I just wish it came with a cautionary tale. We all relish in the phoenix's rise from the hellish inferno. They fail to mention how the first flame ignited and how long the phoenix is engorged by it. I tortured myself and what was worse was that I vehemently believed that I wasn't doing so. This leads me to that promise I mentioned prior: "I am making it my lifelong duty to love you, above all else, unconditionally. Especially when it hurts. Especially when it's uncomfortable. And especially when I feel I could just disappear." Those faux lovers. Those friends of the past continue to be the living embodiments of all that I despised in myself. Those excuses encouraged the facade to go on just a bit longer. It hurts like hell to clean house. Even more so when the soot beneath you is nothing but rot. I am promising to you, loudly. I am promising to you every day. I am choosing to love you like never before. Believe you and the truth you carry unequivocally. Accepting the flow that the body will take on in this life with grace, for I have nothing but admiration and boundless attention to you. Every detail, emotional wave, epiphany, and idea will never go unnoticed. You deserve it. All of it. All that I put you through, still brings me to tears. Makes me weak at the knees and even a bit sick sometimes. They call it purging. You call it healing. I will always make space for you. I will always have a moment of silence and solitude for you. I love you and every cell that creates and elaborates the masterpiece that you are. Good God, I am in love with you and I will always feel this from now until eternity. 

I forgive,

Me.